Funny Sign

It’s been awhile since I’ve found a sign that makes me laugh… but this one does…

2013-12-11 13.48.11

 

Now the bad part is I have friends on Facebook who will recognize this sign. Hopefully they won’t be too offended that I used their sign! But it did make me smile!

 

Snake’s New Glasses

A old snake goes to see his doctor. “Doc, I need something
for my eyes. Can’t see well these days.” The doc fixes him
up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two
weeks.

The snake comes back two weeks later and tells the doctor
he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem — didn’t the glasses help
you?”

“The glasses are fine, Doc. I just discovered I’ve been
living with a water hose the past two years!”

 

Thanks David for another funny!

Top Ten Reasons Why It’s Great to Be a Dog

Thanks to David C for another funny email…

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it
itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places
as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a
bath every day, and you don’t even have to comb your own
hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people
might actually think you’re cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an
old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You
never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain
weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

9. It doesn’t take much to make you happy. You’re always
excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is
leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

I Can Laugh Now!

Two weeks ago today I received a letter that rocked my world. Today I got news that all is well.  So very thankful, and this little story just so worth sharing!!  Thanks to my buddy, Summer for sharing the joy!

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, “Your Honor, I’m guilty but…..there were extenuating circumstances.”

The female Judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.” I did too, soooo…. I listened as the lady told her story.

“Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, “Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?”

I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.” Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?” Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, “Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.” Then she headed for the door.

“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, “maintenance men Extraordinaire” found me…half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how’s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, “Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.”

“OK, you take care now” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps…”

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said “Case Dismissed!!”

Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can
stop any time.
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it
dawned on me.
The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I never met herbivore
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on
words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop
quiz.
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four
seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit
me!
Broken pencils are pointless.

Time to Laugh… Just a little….

Another funny from one of my favorite people…
Long Live The Cowboy
A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.


Did you ever wonder why Webster Wrote a Dictionary?

I know inquiring minds want to know…

So here’s the scoop…

A simple explanation…

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.

 
Of course Wikipedia has it completely wrong: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Webster%27s_Dictionary
 

Shampoo Alert

If only….

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. SHOCK—The shampoo that runs down my entire body says “for extra volume & body.” Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Now I understand why I am so “full-figured.”

Tomorrow I am going to start using “Dawn” dish soap. It says “dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”

Wednesday Morning Chuckle… or Not

 

Been awhile since I shared one of these forwarded emails, but this one made me chuckle…

Groaners: Three Prayers


1. Here’s one direct from my son who at four years old had started attending a Christian daycare. The evening of his
third day there, he insisted on saying “grace” at dinner. This was his prayer:
“Gone is great! Gone is good! Let us spank him for our food.
Amen.”
(By Kas Healy)

2. One particular four-year-old prayed:
“And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

3. A teacher was drilling his young students on the Westminster Confession of Faith. The first question in the
catechism is “What is the chief end of man?” The answer: “To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.”

One youngster seemed quite sure of himself as he anxiously waved his hand for recognition.
When the teacher called his name, he proudly blurted out,

“The chief end of man is to glorify God and annoy Him forever!”

He was possibly more right than we’d care to admit.

Here’s one of my favorite songs on Prayer: